📜 THE OFFICIAL CONSTITUTION OF THE ATTIC ARTICLE 4

On the inviolable right to an afternoon snack, spoons with criminal records, and emergency procedures in the event of a pine-nut cake disappearance

4.1. Every person, gnome, nun, chronicler, beaver, vegetable holding public office, or creature of a nature still pending classification shall have the right to a snack.

This right shall be:

a) universal;

b) non-waivable;

c) imprescriptible;

d) given priority over meetings that have already gone on far too long.

4.2. No one may be deprived of their snack on the grounds of:

a) an open file;

b) a closed file;

c) a misplaced file;

d) having asked “How much longer?” during a meeting;

e) unconfirmed suspicions of honey possession.

4.3. A spoon with a criminal record shall be considered any spoon that has previously been involved in any of the following:

a) stirring honey without authorization;

b) turning up sticky inside a drawer;

c) being found next to an empty jar;

d) disappearing for more than forty-eight hours and returning without explanation;

e) having been seen in Gregorius’s company after six o’clock.

Repeat-offender spoons shall be entered into the Central Registry of Small Utensils with Questionable Conduct.

4.4. No spoon may be considered guilty merely for being sticky.

However, if it is sticky, bent, and inside a gnome’s pocket, proceedings shall be opened.

4.5. The total or partial disappearance of a pine-nut cake shall constitute an Institutional Emergency of the Highest Degree when any of the following circumstances apply:

a) the cake was whole ten minutes earlier;

b) no one admits to having eaten any;

c) a knife with crumbs is discovered;

d) Sister Pietat says, “I only had the tiniest little taste”;

e) Gregorius stops making eye contact.

4.6. Once the emergency has been declared, Urgent Procedure 12-C for the Location, Custody, and Eventual Recovery of Cake shall be activated immediately.

This procedure shall include:

a) locking the doors;

b) counting those present;

c) counting the plates;

d) counting those present again because Aurelius has moved;

e) inspecting the crumbs;

f) asking who did it;

g) listening to an administratively revealing silence.

4.7. Cleaning the table before the investigation has concluded is prohibited.

The crumbs shall be considered pastry material evidence and shall be collected, labeled, and secured in an official envelope.

If anyone eats them, they shall automatically go from witness to suspect.

4.8. If a piece of cake is found hidden beneath a caboodle, the presumption of premeditation shall apply.

If the caboodle is labeled:

“Miscellaneous Matters,”

the aggravating circumstance of administrative bad faith shall also apply.

4.9. Sister Pietat shall have the right to make a statement in the presence of legal counsel provided that she stops saying:

“But it was only a tiny little piece.”

The size of the piece shall be determined by the Independent Commission for Portions and Other Blatant Lies.

4.10. Under no circumstances may an investigative commission be established while cake is still available.

First, there shall be a snack.

Then we shall see.

4.11. If the cake disappears during the very meeting convened to investigate the disappearance of the cake, the events shall be classified as:

The Great Pine-Nut Scandal of The Attic

and shall result in:

a) the immediate appearance of Aurelius;

b) the precautionary suspension of all spoons;

c) inspection of the poodles, solely with a court order;

d) an extraordinary publication in the OAT;

e) the look from Mother Patience.

4.12. The look from Mother Patience shall have sufficient evidentiary value.

Nothing further shall be required.

FIRST ADDITIONAL PROVISION

Anyone who says:

“I didn’t want a snack”

and is subsequently discovered eating cake directly from the tray shall lose, for seven days, the right to express an opinion about portion sizes.

SECOND ADDITIONAL PROVISION

Spoons that have served their sentence may request the cancellation of their records provided that they can demonstrate six consecutive months of dry conduct.

TRANSITIONAL PROVISION

Until the Central Registry of Small Utensils with Questionable Conduct is effectively established, suspicious spoons shall be kept in a cup with a piece of paper reading: