On the Equitable Distribution of Spaghetti within the Wheel of Parmigiano
Article I
Whoever stirs shall not scrape.
Article II
Whoever scrapes shall wash.
Article III
Whoever leaves cheese stuck to the wheel commits a venial sin.
Article IV
Whoever says, “That’s enough cheese,” shall be regarded with concern.
Abbatia Ordinis Gratinati Aeterni
“In Caseo Veritas.”
(“In cheese there is truth.”)
Ora. Cook. Gratin.
(Pray. Cook. Gratin.)
“To prevent entirely avoidable disputes that nevertheless occur with troubling frequency.”
Article I
The presence of a few crumbs on the table after breakfast shall be considered normal.
Article II
A few crumbs shall be understood to mean a quantity that cannot be counted without sighing.
Article III
If the crumbs form a recognizable pattern, they shall no longer be considered crumbs and shall instead be classified as accidental decoration.
Article IV
Should a crumb fall to the floor, the first person to notice it shall have the right to ignore it for up to three deep breaths.
Article V
If Sister Potato declares, “It can still be saved,” this Protocol shall be temporarily suspended.
Article VI
Sister Piety is prohibited from blowing the crumbs toward the end of the table while saying:
“They’re not mine anymore.”
This practice was declared insufficiently monastic during the Council of Toasts of Year XII.
Article VII
Sister Chastity once asked:
“Do crumbs miss the bread too?”
The community agreed not to answer immediately.
Mother Patience is still thinking about it.
Father Gregorius proposed sweeping the table.
Father Aurelius looked up from the parchment and asked:
“Before they’ve been documented?”
The proposal was rejected.
Should the crumbs weigh more than the original slice of toast…
…it is recommended to start over.
“Compliance with this Protocol does not guarantee an effective reduction in the number of crumbs. It does, however, contribute significantly to the spiritual peace of the community.”
Aurelius, Chronicler of The Attic
Permanent Commission for the Certification of Montsadas
📜 Minutes No. 27
Only Item:
Determine whether the present montsada deserves to be incorporated into the official heritage of The Attic.
Mother Patience
— The meeting is now in session.
Sister Potato
— I’m already laughing.
Sister Piety
— We don’t even know what it is yet.
— But it shows promise.
📜 Father Aurelius
— The montsada will now be read aloud.
When he finishes…
Sister Chastity raises her hand.
— Excuse me…
— Yes, my child?
— What exactly is a montsada?
…
Silence.
Sister Potato looks up at the ceiling.
Sister Piety bites her lip to keep from laughing.
Mother Patience smiles.
Father Gregorius already knows they won’t be leaving early today.
Finally, Father Aurelius closes the book.
“It cannot be defined. It can only be recognized when it appears.”
Case No. XII “Nulla Montsada Relinquenda Est.”
The People v. the Particularly Inspired Montsada
The present montsada is charged with:
having caused a forty-seven-minute conversation,
having given rise to two protocols,
one appendix,
and three fits of laughter.
The defendant pleads…
absolutely innocent.
What could possibly go wrong?
Montse:
Thirty generations later…
I’m sending you straight to the North Pole with the penguins!!
Agnes:
Who are you tal…?
Uhhhh…???
What is THAT?
Why do you want a village that looks like it’s made of hairy onions???
And look at this one!
Why does this onion look like it listens to heavy metal?
DON’T TOUCH MY MEATBALLS!!
I’VE BEEN THROUGH THIRTY GENERATIONS!!
