📜 LESSON I

DE PATATA ET PRIMIS REBUS

Of the Potato and the First Things

🔔 [The Convent bell rings.]

The students enter the classroom in silence.

Sister Potato appears before the blackboard with a potato resting on a velvet cushion.

Solemn silence.

Sister Piety, from the back:

“Why is it on a cushion?”

Sister Potato:

“Institutional respect.”

📿 Mother Patience, from the hallway:

“HERE WE GO.”

📖 PRINCIPIUM

Sister Potato writes:

IN PRINCIPIO ERAT PATATA.

Then turns to the class.

“Translation?”

One student timidly raises her hand:

“In the beginning, there was a potato?”

Sister Potato smiles proudly.

“EXCELLENT.”

Sister Pietat:

“And then?”

Sister Potato:

“We’ll see about that later.”

🥔 VOCABULARIUM PRIMUM

Silence.

One student:

“Sister Potato… is this grammatically correct?”

Sister Potato:

“IT IS POTATISTICALLY CORRECT.”

📿 Mother Patience:

“THAT DOES NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!”

📜 PRIMA REGULA

EVERY POTATISTIC SENTENCE MUST CONTAIN AT LEAST ONE POTATO.

Correct example:

PATATA EST BONA.

Better example:

MAGNA PATATA EST MAGNA.

Academically perfect example:

O MAGNA PATATA, PATATAE PATATARUM!

Sister Pietat:

“And what does that mean?”

Sister Potato:

“We don’t know yet.”

✍️ EXERCITIUM PRIMUM

Translate:

PATATA PATATAM PATATIS.

One student:

“It doesn’t have a verb.”

Sister Potato:

“VERY GOOD OBSERVATION.”

“So…?”

Sister Potato:

“IT DOESN’T NEED ONE.”

📿 Mother Patience enters the classroom.

She looks at the blackboard.

She looks at the potato on the cushion.

She looks at Sister Potato.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Sister Potato:

“The foundations of the language.”

Mother Patience:

“WITH A POTATO?”

Sister Potato:

“It’s the first lesson.”

Mother Patience closes her eyes.

Takes a deep breath.

And leaves.

From the hallway:

“I’M NOT MAKING IT TO CHRISTMAS.”